‘Twas the Night ‘Fore Christmas (2011 edition)

‘Twas the night ‘fore Christmas, just after I had retired to bed;

I was reflecting on how mankind had become somewhat mad;

I was pondering on mysteries that made me somehow sad;

It was quiet; there was nothing but silence to be heard.

‘Twas suddenly that the silence was punctuated by a loud thud;

I rushed downstairs and there I saw a little being, covered in mud.

Clad in a red coat, he laughed mischievously and zipped around like a scud.

Everything he touched in the house collapsed with a thunderous thud.

“Y-o-u-u are not Santa?” Stuttered I. “Speak not you Doofus!” was his answer.

“Y-o-u-u are not human?” Stuttered I; searching within for courage to muster.

“Human?” He answered from under the table as he proceeded to gander.

“T-t-hen what prey are you?” Stuttered I. “Speak now, I need an answer!”

“Why, sir I be a fairy!” Said he, in a tone that was jovial and merry.

“Fairies are not scary” Replied I. “Your revolting face only makes one wary”.

I had to parry as I said that, because he hurled a bottle of Christmas Sherry.

Suddenly, he proceeded to chirp hysterically, like a demon-possessed canary.

“Your lunacy makes me sore!” He cursed.”Aren’t you acquainted with Irish Lore?”

I lurched up and bludgeoned him savagely; in a manner that anyone would deplore.

“Let me be! You whore!” He swore. “Look at the fine coat that you just tore!”

“I won’t! until you grant me wishes galore”. Said I. “Take me to the North Pole!”

Suddenly, I was in Santa’s cold lair, where the elves were staging a revolt.

The scene looked familiar; I could see the permutations that would unfold.

“We are the 99!” Proclaimed they. “Like Santa, we demand to be extolled!”

“We don’t want gold!” Said they. “All we want is for our stories to be told!”

“I wish they could just have what they want”, I quietly said.

Said the Leprechaun: “This be the second wish that you just made!”

The elves were ecstatic; they awarded me an accolade.

But, slowly I started to realize the mistake that I had made.

On Christmas, the world woke up to a different set of carols;

When people sang, they ended up screeching like a flock of sparrows;

Santa’s name was prefixed with the names of a million elves;

I ruined Christmas by responding to the demands of a million elves!